Did you know that Sir Alfred Hitchcock was a practical joker? He used Whoopie Cushions and make prank phone calls.
My favorite practical joke of his was this: he made a bet that his floor manager, Richard "Dickie" Beville, couldn't last all night handcuffed. Unable to use the bathroom. Dickie made the mistake of going on with the bet. Hitchcock gave the man coffee that was laced with a very strong laxative.... We all know how that night went.
My favorite practical joke of his was this: he made a bet that his floor manager, Richard "Dickie" Beville, couldn't last all night handcuffed. Unable to use the bathroom. Dickie made the mistake of going on with the bet. Hitchcock gave the man coffee that was laced with a very strong laxative.... We all know how that night went.
A Man and Alfred Hitchcock
ReplyDeleteBy
Denise Noe
A man of modest means,
he worked in a theater but
was not a star, not even
an actor.
No career, just
a job and
a job's
weekly wages.
Property man: drag this here
and put that there.
Alfred Hitchcock was a genius:
gifted,
creative,
and rich.
A name known ‘round the world.
His first name and
last and
familiarized form:
Hitch.
A week's salary -- said
Mister Hitchcock.
A week's salary,
I dare ya!
A week's salary said the man whose
name we all know: the first
and the last
and the familiarized form.
A week's salary
held out to a man
working an ordinary job:
put this here
and drag that there.
A week's salary,
said Hitch,
who liked a joke
and had the power to
play some good ones.
Sitting on a chair,
the man drank
proffered brandy.
Click the handcuffs,
off the lights.
Everyone went home
save one.
He remained: in a chair,
in darkness, trying
to sleep sitting up.
He drifted off, then woke.
He woke
in pitch;
he woke
in a chair,
handcuffed
to a camera,
unable to move.
Awakened by that
familiar knock
in the bowel.
A man in darkness,
alone, he tightened
his sphincter,
not knowing,
not realizing:
not yet.
His guts squeeze, then
roar. A cold clammy
sweat breaks on forehead,
upper lip, the back of his neck.
Dizzy in darkness, he feels
a bottle of acid
break across the back
of his scalp and he knows:
laced with laxative.
Terrified, he screams; knowing,
knowing, he screams.
No one hears. No one rescues.
He pulls
on handcuffs,
pulls pulls pulls
as his own waste like rocks with
sharp jagged edges
pummels him from inside his stomach.
A human, not a badger
or beaver -- so blessed -- caught
in a trap. His teeth cannot
tear painfully through his own
flesh veins muscle tendons
to set him free.
His teeth cannot
break
bone from
bone
to save a shredded
fragment of his dignity
or
the meanest modicum
of cleanliness.
But his teeth gnash and grind and
bite down on his lower lip, hard,
as he is beaten from within his belly.
Sweat sweat sweat runs
cold and clammy as misery.
Defeated by defecation,
the man is dirtied in the private
place between his buttocks,
dirtied
dirtied dirtied dirtied.
Fierce pains, attack after attack.
For hours
for hours
for hours
Excreta runs and sticks
down his thighs,
the back of his knees,
calves, and ankles.
Crying, he bends his wet face of
fire into his palm as shit
like lava dries and burns on
the skin all down his legs. Crying,
his neck curved down
for hours
into the inescapable stink.
In the morning, the door opened.
The terrible odor,
the sound of the man crying.
Then: light: gasps.
Hands cover
mouths.
Because Alfred Hitchcock,
a genius,
creative,
gifted,
and rich,
liked a joke
and had the power to
play some good ones
like the time he tricked
and trapped and
shattered a man
whose life was
drag this here
and put that there.
Dear Coley,
ReplyDeleteI have a question for you: Why do you regard Hitchcock's brutal and intimate torture and torment as a "favorite practical joke"?
I realized that I forgot my actual favorite joke, which was the story that he put the "mother" from Psycho in Janet Leigh's dressing room. I guess "Favorite" wasn't the way to write that, but I thought it was a good story. It wasn't "nice" but it was Hitchcock.
DeleteIt was Hitchcock. And it was a horrendous crime of degradation and torture. It's an ugly story. What do you think of my poem?
DeleteI think your poem is very well written. You did a great job :)
DeleteCould you email me at Janatrude@aol.com?
ReplyDeleteI've written a brief Hitchcock related essay focusing on "Psycho" and would like your opinion of it.
Sure :) I'll email you now :)
Delete